Team Awesome

Team Awesome
Inspired by Michael Moore and Brian Wilson's Machine: No Better Source for Fake Giants News

Monday, April 4, 2011

Funeral Arangements for Aubrey Huff being announced today

Aubrey Huff's body found at Chavez Revine
By Cody Bowker

LOS ANGELES - Aubrey Huff was always viewed as a team player during his time in San Francisco, so it was no suprise when he was willing to move to Right Field for the team's opening series in Los Angeles.  Teammates were with the Huff Family today, offering their condolences after the tragic death of the 10 year major leaguer.  

"He was one of my closest friends in the game, and he will be sorely missed." Former teammate Pat Burrell said to reporters.  "I've known him since colege, and he was a true teammate."

The team was announcing today when the public service would be.

"We are all still in shock." a team spokesman said.  "We know that Nate (Schierholtz) can handle the job in right while Cody (Ross) is still out, but nobody can replace his bat or his thong in our lineup and our locker room."

Aubrey Huff's rally thong could not be reached for comment.  A person close to the thong said she was inconsolable upon hearing the news.

Huff Daddy will sorely be missed

Friday, April 1, 2011

Breaking News: Buster Posey Sent Down

Breaking News: Buster Posey Sent Down.
By Mr. Saltzman
Bruce Bochy was quoted after the game as saying, 

"I don't want make a mistake." said Bochy

According to unnamed sources, Bochy was reportedly furious after a game changing error by Posey and said he can't have a catcher who makes mental errors "that horrible." The former backstop now manager said Chris Stewart's strong spring was enough to convince him that if Posey had a sophomore slump, they "wouldn't hesitate to make a move." For more on this story, click here.

Posey packed his bags last night, heading back to Fresno

Buster Posey's stats for the year are a .250 batting average, 0 home runs, 0 extra base hits, and twice as many strikeouts as hits.  "If that isn't a sophomore slump, I haven't seen one." said a high ranking source in the Giants organization who asked to renamed anonymous.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Actor Jack Black given an invite to Spring Training

Actor Jack Black given an invite to Spring Training
By Barry Snipes

SCOTTSDALE - The Giants head into camp with some big question marks and bigger belts.  Pablo Sandoval, one of the largest personalities on the Giants, has come into camp determined to make his weight a non issue.  The Giants decided the best way to do that was to sign the actor who inspired the fun loving nickname given to "The Kung-Fu Panda."

Jack Black will be in Scottsdale this Spring trying to make the Giants 25 man Opening Day Roster. 

"We looked at all the factors that went into Pablo's weight problems and determined the number one reason was his efforts to live up to the cartoon character."  a source said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.  "If Pablo can see that the Kung-Fu Panda character is not real and is really just a fat actor with no baseball talents, we think he can focus on staying in shape."

The Giants are hoping the complete lack of baseball talent Black has will motivate the 3rd baseman to play at the near All-Star level he achieved in 2009.  If the Giants pull this off, they can say a big "Sqaudoosh" to Pablo's waistline.

Will the Panda continue to enjoy his desserts or his baseball career?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Barry Zito's Change of Scenery could be key

Barry Zito's change of Scenery could be key
By Pedro Pierzynski

New York - The Yankees didn't waste time upon hearing of the official announcement of Andy Pettitte's retirement, as they went out and traded for a former Cy Young winning left handed.  Barry Zito, who still has three years and $57 million left on a deal he originally signed with the Giants, is now wearing pinstripes.

The Giants didn't include Zito on the 2010 playoff roster with the emergence of Jonathan Sanchez and Madison Bumgarner.  The Giants signed major league starter Jeff Suppan to a minor league deal with an invite to Spring Training this off-season, so he would be expected to be the favorite to replace Zito.  Dan Runzler, who has been a relief pitcher for the Giants the last two seasons, is trying to become a starter as well.  Runzler could be a long term answer to replace the former Cy Young winner with the Athletics.

"A change of scenery is the only reason for this trade."  Zito's agent said via conference call.  "When we signed this contract in San Francisco, we had hoped to avoid the big lights of New York.  Many pitchers have been gobbled up by the pressures of pitching in the Big Apple.  Hopefully Z won't be destroyed here.  We think by using the cliche 'change of scenery' we might get the Baseball Gods to go easy on him."

The Yankees get a pitcher who has never been on the DL and is capable of eating up innings when he is right.  His curve ball has been one of the best pitches in baseball at times.   However, Zito has consistently struggled when in pressure situations while at China Basin.  He struggled when they needed him most in September last year.  He struggled as the #1 starter for the Giants when he began his career in the National League.  A change of scenery and a return to the American League could be good things for the zen pitcher.

"Z called me this morning and said after his meditation and yoga sessions, he felt this change of scenery angle was just the ticket for success." Zito's agent said. "Time will tell if we can take this cliche for a spin." 

In return, the Giants get two prospects from the Yankees minor league system.  The Yankees sent RHP Michael O'Brien and switch hitting SS Cito Culver, who played for the Staten Island Yankees last year.  O'Brien, who is only 5'11", is hoping to learn from his short hero, Tim Lincecum.  Culver said he grew up admiring a former Giants switch hitting shortstop in Omar Vizquel, and he hopes to emulate his career someday.

How will New York treat the poster child of Zen?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Sweet Lou likes the view better from his couch

Sweet Lou likes the view better from his Couch
by Dusty Durocher

Tampa Bay - Lou Piniella got his final splinter sitting on the manager's bench in 2010, and now his doctor has decided it would be best if he manages from a comfy couch.  Piniella was seen shopping for a lazy-boy at a Tampa Macy's yesterday. 

A spokesman for Macy's gave the following statement:  "We are privledged to have a man of Mr. Piniella's stature shopping at our fine establishment.  We have been able to provide Mr. Piniella with a wide variety of options and we believe we found some furniture that would best suit his needs."

Chicago management declined to comment on the true reasons for Piniella's retirement, but a inside souce, who spoke on the condition of anonimity, said Piniella was sent to the emergency room three separate times during the season for splinter related injuries.

Now back home in Tampa, Piniella will be able to watch games from his living room, and protect his backside properly.  As the newest consultant of the Giants, Piniella plans on purchasing the MLB package Extra Innings on DirecTV so he can watch more Giants games and do a better job consulting from his suade covered work station.

Was it the call or his rump that got Lou so angry?

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Maturation of a Sports Broadcaster

Dave Flemming goes through Puberty on the Air
by Duane Greenwald

San Francisco - We have all heard the call.  It is a staple of San Francisco Bay Area lore.  It will live the test of time much like Russ Hodges, "The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!"

Renteria hits a high drive, deep left center field, David Murphy going back, he's on the warning track, it is GOOOONNNEE!!!  Edgar Renteria, has hit a three-run homer against Cliff Lee, and the Giants lead here in the World Series, three to nothing.

Dave Flemming, born May 31, 1996, has been a Giants broadcaster since 2004.  Since the age of 7, he has been doing broadcasts with Hall of Famer Jon Miller.  Miller, born in the same year as the "Shot Heard 'Round the World," can appreciate the club Flemming has joined.

"Flem has joined the elite company of Russ Hodges, Lon Simmons, Hank Greenwald, Duane Kuiper and myself.  To do it at such a young age is truly remarkable." said Miller.

A boy genius, he graduated with a masters from Stanford at the age of 5 and with a journalism degree from Syracuse at 6. 

"His accomplishments in the classroom are practically fictional, or 'Doogian,'" said actor Neil Patrick Harris.

 Now his words will live on forever, which is a goal Flemming set for himself while in the womb.

He looks very mature for 14.

Barry Bonds is Designing his Own Statue

Barry Bonds is designing his own statue
By Benito Benitez

SAN FRANCISCO - Barry Bonds is tired of waiting.  The Home Run King has decided to build his own statue at China Basin.  The San Francisco Giants have already built five statues for their four most legendary former players.  Willie Mays, Bonds godfather, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal and Orlando Cepeda.  The fifth statue is of a seal balancing a baseball on his nose to honor the San Francisco Seals minor league baseball team that used to play in the city.  Bonds, who has a Junior Giants field named after him, wants a statue to be built there as well.
"I've always loved children, and I feel there is no better place for my bronze statue then hovering over the children who play baseball at Barry Bonds Field.  When kids are going to catch a flyball, I want my arms outstretched pointing to the sky high above them."  
Bonds would like to honor his father by building a statue of himself at home plate after rounding the bases with his classic double point to the heavens.  
"I have been working with my agent to trademark my signal to the sky for my father.  Nobody else should be able to do it again with 20 pounds of armor on their left elbow other than me."  
A spokesman for the Giants, speaking on the condition on anonymity, said that talks of a statue have been discussed, as well as re-naming AT&T Park, The Place That Bonds Built.
"We have only had preliminary talks about a name change once our deal with AT&T comes to an end.  Barry really built this stadium after he helped save us from going to Tampa Bay.  The fact that we even still have a team in San Francisco is as much his doing as anyone else.  We owe him a statue and we want to give him the naming rights as well.  Hopefully, both can come together in the future."

Possible Statue Design

Naming Rights for Stadium could change again

Brian Wilson To Retire His Beard

Brian Wilson To Retire His Beard
by Chili Huff Daddy

SAN FRANCISCO - Brian Wilson has decided to hang up the beard for good.  Wilson came to the decision yesterday, and held a small press conference today is his hometown of Londonderry, New Hampshire.
"I had an regal run as Blackbeard the Giant in 2010.  My beard absolutely nailed it in the World Series.  I am so proud of my teammates.  FACT.  I look forward to my beard predecessor, Sergio Romo, trying to fill out the cheekbones I am leaving behind."
When asked about what his plans were going forward, Wilson made his other big announcement.
"After a long discussion with my family and Team Awesome, I have decided to Fear the Fu-Man-Chu next season."

Beware next year's Fu-Man-Chu

Dodgers Sign Big Name Giants Phenom

Dodgers Sign Big Name Giants Phenom
By Candy VanLaunchingPad

SAN FRANCISCO - Giants are reeling after the latest blow from the Loss Angeles Dodgers front office.  Ned Colletti has stolen another top prospect from the Giants system.  Giants officials were unavailable for comment at the time of the signing, but were able to sit down for an exclusive interview today to discuss the latest wound in the farm system.
"It came as a shock to us all that we couldn't work things out with Eugenio (Velez) to bring him back to (The) Fresno (Grizzlies)."  a spokesperson for the Giants said, speaking on the condition on anonymity.  "We are not sure if we can recover."
"Eugenio gave us a lot of intangibles that you just don't see in many Eugenios.  He had the ability to play multiple positions, he had the ability to run back and forth from Fresno to San Francisco faster than most and he had a knack for coming up with the big hit when we weren't even looking."
"When you have a player of that caliber, you don't look to replace him, you just ask others to try to fill his jersey in some way.  Will we be able to find another Velez?  Maybe.  But if we are lucky, we can find someone with a first name as unique as Eugenio someday."
The Giants are working tirelessly to try to fill the void left by the loss of the man who's name was carefully carved in the 2006 MVP trophy of the Augusta Green Jackets.
"When you have a name of that difficulty, you have to work extra hard to make sure it is carved just right." said Glenallen Cruz Jr., a member of the Augusta front office since 2003.
Maybe the Giants will never find another Eugenio, no matter what phone book they look in.  The only member of the Giants staff that might be breathing a sigh of relief is the man in charge of the locker room nameplates.

A Once in a Lifetime Eugenio